No.12 Farnborough Town (from Tales issue no.33)


1) They're the most boring side we've ever played. They're quite happy with a 0-0 draw, but if their luck's really in, they'll win 1-0.


2) It's always cold, windy, and wet when we play there.


3) We left Dover at 11 o'clock for the Trophy game, and two hours later they called the game off as their pitch was under inches of water.


4) For taking away our 100% record against them.


5) For having a typical Isthmian League set-up - a great bar (with Real Ale) and a crappy ground. Is it really up to Conference standard?


6) For including a big ape called Bradley Pratt (yes, honest!) in their team; his main aim, it seems, is to kick the ball out of the ground.


7) For having a dreadful cartoon of a dissected footballer on the front of their programme.


8) For winning the Premier Division championship in every season that they've played in the Beazer Homes League.


9) For having only two small urinals in a huge toilet block at the open end of their ground.


10) For having a car-park on a par with Ashford's.


No.17 Cheltenham Town (from Tales issue 40)


1) They're in the Trophy final - we're not.


2) Their ground is allegedly 'A' grading (6,000 capacity now. When we went there for the first leg, a week before it was inspected, the crowd was limited to 4,000.


3) Newcastle Brown Ale is 2.20 a bottle in their bar - this must be the most expensive in the country. It's only 1.70 in the social club into which we were herded before the first leg there.


4) A fair few copies of their programme for the first leg had some pages missing, and some in twice. They sold out, so replacements are not available.


5) Their fans chanted, 'Sex case, sex case, 'ang 'im, 'ang 'im, 'ang 'im!' after the second leg at Crabble. Presumably flashing at schoolgirls makes you a hero in their eyes.


6) For raising admission prices to 9 and 12 for the semi-final - I'm sorry to say we followed suit.


7) Russell Milton has started to play well since moving there.


8) Not content with knocking us out of the Trophy, they also beat us 3-1 in the Conference three days later.


9) We always seem to have to go there in midweek. At least, three out of the last four visits have been.


10) Their goalkeeper - a certain Steve Book.


No.18 The F.A.CUP (from Tales issue number 41)


1) Kingstonian - embarrassing 4-0 defeat last season following a 2-1 defeat in 1994.


2) Hendon - a 1-0 defeat in 1996, mainly thanks to 'referee' Peter March's not watching the play.


3) Bognor Regis Town - 1-2 defeat after being ahead at half-time (1995).


4) Sittingbourne - 1-2 defeat in a replay in 1993. Once again a large attendance saw a Dover defeat.


5) Folkestone - 0-1 in 1989, yet more embarrassment against no-hopers.


6) Fareham - 0-1. After outplaying them in the 1-1 draw in Hampshire, we couldn't lose!? (1988)


(All the above were at Crabble against lower-league opposition, which we should have beaten easily - on paper!)


7) Tiverton - 0-1 in 1991. After a 6 1/2 hour coach journey, we saw a dreadful performance against a bunch of yokels.


8) Dorking - 0-1 in 1992; outplayed and outfought by a pub team.


9) Met.Police - 1-3. In 1987 we were kicked out of the Cup by a bunch of thugs.


10) We still have the much-publicised and unenviable record of being the only Conference club never to have reached the First Round Proper.


This one was 'Ten More Reasons to dislike':
No.21 RUSHDEN (from Tales number 47)


1) Brian Talbot's arrogance: 'We put Dover in their place.' He said this after the 4-0 result in February.


2) Brain Talbot's arrogance: refusing to sign autographs again in the Centre Spot.


3) Deciding their best chance of winning the game was to kick Simon Wormull until he was carried off on a stretcher.


4) Signing Simon Wormull for an 'undisclosed fee'. It was their request that the actual fee was kept secret, not Dover's.


5) Using four substitutes in the game at Crabble.


6) Earning five bookings in that game - three of them for kicking Mr.Wormull.


7) Having huge chips on all their shoulders whenever money is mentioned.


8) Even their stewards are nauseatingly arrogant, 'We're a big club.' one told us. (Why are they still in the Conference, then?)


9) Away fans are not allowed in their bar - the one with Real Ale. We have to buy very expensive beer from the tea hut under the stand.


10) They have taken over from Stevenage as the club everyone loves to hate.




No.14 Runcorn (from Tales issue 36)


1) They're scousers (well, near enough).


2) Their ground is not good enough for the Conference. One whole corner is still shut, and the 'Gents' on the terrace is less than basic.


3) They built a social club with the proceeds of their F.A.Trophy runs instead of improving their ground.


4) They sold out of programmes well before kick-off, as they don't print enough. (Who else does that?)


5) Their ground affords a marvellous view of the chemical works and power station on the opposite bank of the Mersey.


6) Their programme shop is in a suitcase on the terrace - I kid you not!


7) They play in a horrible yellow and green kit - much like our away kit!


8) They won the Conference title in their first season after gaining promotion to it in 1981.


9) Simon Harris always gets a mention in their programme.


10) We've had to go there three times (more than enough).




Number 16 RUSHDEN & DICKHEADS
(from Tales issue number 39)


1) They have a very silly name.


2) Money is no object (but it has yet to buy real success).


3) Their new ground (which puts Welling to shame).


4) Buying Dave Leworthy, and then selling him at a profit a few months later.


5) They have 2,000 fair weather fans - where were they before Rushden and Irthlingborough amalgamated?


6) Their hoped-for relegation didn't happen last season.


7) Their home kit and two different away kits all include white in a fair proportion.
8) They had no programme shop when we went there.


9) Their Dr.Marten's boot shop was not open after our game (at 4.45 p.m.), despite notices saying, 'Open until 5'. Bushwhacker was most disappointed.


10) They have reached the First Round Proper of the F.A.Cup.

10 REASONS TO DISLIKE No.23 CHESTER CITY
(taken from Tales issue number 50)
1) It is a nice city, but the football ground is a good couple of miles out - on the very far side of an industrial estate.

2) They had no programme shop - only a tatty box of Chester programmes in their small souvenir shop.

3) They are Welsh. Oh, all right then, the border is a couple of miles away!

4) They tried to make us pay 12 to sit in the stand.

5) The away terrace was shut when we went there.

6) Their forwards dived blatantly at every opportunity, especially in the penalty area.

7) Their defence (and midfield) kicked us at every opportunity.

8) Chief thug was ex-Sheffield United man Beesley. Watch out for him at Crabble if he's not suspended!

9) While I was at University, it was 'officially' decided that the collective noun for a group of w***ers was a 'chester'. In the 25 years since, I have seen nothing that would persuade me to alter this!

10) The traffic jam to leave their ground is worse than that at Yeovil. It took us a good half hour to get out of the car park.



TEN REASONS TO DISLIKE . . .
No.24 DONCASTER ROVERS
(taken from Tales issue number 51)

1) They are the epitome of 'Dirty northern bastards'.

2) Their fans are no better behaved than their team.

3) Their car park costs 3 to use, but it is in a very sad state of repair.

4) Their ground is also falling to bits - is it up to Conference standard?

5) It is apparently 15 to get in to their bar, though this does include entrance to the stand, and a programme.

6) Going to the pub just down the road is not recommended for safety reasons.

7) Doncaster is in Yorkshire.

8) Kevin McIntyre.

9) They all talk funny.

10) Is that Butch Dingle kicking lumps out of our lads?


10 Reasons to dislike:
No.25 FOREST GREEN ROVERS
(taken from Tales issue number 52)

1) They're all irritating yokels.

2) They all talk funny, and then moan when we chant, "Ooh, Arr!" at them.

3) Their ground is on a hillside about a mile above the centre of the village.

4) Their pitch has considerably more of a slope on it than Crabble ever did.

5) They always seem to be in the relegation zone, but just avoid it in the last week of the season.

6) They have been surprisingly successful in the F.A.Trophy, having reached two finals.

7) Their attitude on the pitch, i.e. Kick anything that moves, tests the poor, incompetent Conference referees to the limit.

8) They were mentioned on Match of the Day because they beat us.

9) It costs 50 pence to get into their crappy bar, which is outside the ground.

10) Just where is Nailsworth, anyway?